Dearest Dave,

It’s been five months since you went to Heaven to live with Jesus. Today is our 29th Anniversary, July 23rd. I couldn’t wait to marry you! I always hoped we’d make it to our Golden Anniversary. I thank God we made it to Silver! Just as you said in your voice message for me to listen to after you died; I am also so grateful for our last anniversary celebrations and travels, both together, and with our children. I will always treasure the memories of us in New York, London, and Canada. I can’t believe we made it to Niagara Falls, Toronto, Quebec City, and Montreal while I was chronically ill; before you got cancer. Thank you, Jesus!

I recently attended a beautiful wedding with our daughter. I wish you could’ve been there, but she and I had the best time, and I know you’d love that! She even danced with me. Can you believe it?

There was a father daughter wedding dance, which was emotional for both of us. But I’m thankful for the times you took Abby to the Father Daughter Dance, and how you were always so excited to take her! I thank God that our daughter has twin adult brothers; I know they will always be by her side: guiding, supporting, comforting, and best of all loving her.

We’ve celebrated Easter, birthdays, and Mother’s Day. We even celebrated Father’s Day by going to see a movie at the theater; an activity you loved doing with us as a family. We saw Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse. It was really entertaining! The ending, oh my, of course, but I can’t mention it, because you know, spoilers.

There’s always an underlying sadness of missing you during special occasions, but we’re trying our best. So, to keep up with the momentum, I’d made plans for our anniversary. I decided there could be nothing better than to spend it with our children, each of whom will always carry a part of you inside of them.

But, it’s been a little crazy this month, and this week especially. After having our deck redone by our family members when you were still here; it turned out the posts had wood rot. The gardener found it when he tore out all the ivy that killed the bushes. Fixing the deck was another huge project on top of the hedges. Thankfully he was able to get the job done for us.

The master shower finally leaked through the ceiling, just like you said it would if we didn’t get it fixed. You asked me to promise that I’d get it done; and well, we finally are. A renovation is not something I want to do without you, but our boys are now men, and they are making me feel like I don’t have to figure this out alone.

What I want you to know is that the little book you left me, with all the important numbers, has come in so handy. When I was feeling anxious and stressed, I opened it and saw your handwriting. It calmed me down, and made me feel like you were right beside me, guiding me. I could just here you saying, “You can do it, Ang! Look! Everything is written here for you.”

The water heater stopped working, but Nick managed to clean the coils. He even figured out which part we needed, and replaced it himself. No more cold water! Our fridge was leaking from the freezer drawer. Jake got on You Tube, and figured out how to fix it. We cleaned the whole freezer out yesterday. Jake used a blow dryer to defrost the drain, and I cleaned the drawers in the backyard with a hose. We high-fived after our teamwork. No more water on the floor!

Abby went to 4-H Camp this week. With the trauma and grief, she wasn’t ready to stay overnight, so I drove four hours a day to take her there and back during the week. I didn’t get anything done that I had planned. It was exhausting, but worth it, because she had a really great time! I loved hearing about all the details of her day.

On the last morning of camp, I was driving the speed limit, and suddenly saw a brown blur out of my right eye. Out of nowhere, a baby fawn was suddenly smack dab in front of my copper Nissan SUV. I slammed on the brakes, held an arm in front of our daughter (even though she was wearing her seatbelt) and all I could see was the hood of my car.

In those few seconds, I felt so panicked that we were about to have PTSD, and that it was going to be bad. Suddenly, the baby fawn leaped away without a scratch! I finally took a breath, and I started thanking God out loud, and praising the name of Jesus. I’d been asking God for a sign; something that would remind me He is near. That was definitely it. The skid marks on Rt. 340 prove it.

As if this week wasn’t exhausting enough; with driving, doing medical errands afterward, and trying to grab some sleep during the days, so I could drive some more… our daughter is now sick. Of course, the stress surrounding the illness came late on Friday night. I had insomnia and anxiety, because it brought up memories of trauma: cleaning up in the middle of the night, fetching ice in metal superhero cups which keep things cold, giving medicine, checking on her constantly… being concerned, achy, overwhelmed, and absolutely exhausted.

So instead of both of us recuperating from the long week; Saturday came, and we were off to the doctor, pharmacy, and grocery store for her needs. Not to mention, that was the same day of the refrigerator project. I was so hot, I ended up taking three showers!

Our family was supposed to celebrate this anniversary by going to the new Barbie movie and to Olive Garden for dinner. I know that would have been fun for us to do with you. We’re still going to celebrate; it’ll just be delayed. Today, our sons went to the grocery store, made dinner, gave the dogs a bath and dry, and did other chores to help so I could take care of our daughter. I can just hear you saying that exasperating quote that always drove me crazy: “It is what it is.” It’s gonna be a long road ahead…

I want you to know that the silver lining of this hard and exhausting anniversary without you, is that I spent it with our children; the very best part of both of us. Your sons have taken over your responsibilities, and I know you’d be so incredibly proud of them. Daddy’s girl and I have grown closer than ever, and I know that would give you so much joy!

When we work together, you’re still a part of us; cheering us on. Thank you for taking care of us while you were here, and for the plans you made for doing so after you were gone. I’m so proud of you, and I’m so grateful for everything you’ve given to us.

I love you, Dave! I know you won’t hear anything sad from this letter, because there’s only joy in Heaven; but I pray God will pass on to you the good parts, and that you’ll smile, knowing that we will join you with Jesus in God’s timing.

Loving you to eternity,

Your Ang

Post Note: My week got worse, which is why I’m just finishing this post. My daughter got sicker, both dogs were sick, and my sons got sick. I was angry, in pain, dealing with insomnia, anxiety, and stress. I finally decided I needed to thank God for blessings we DO have, and that is when I found some relief. I love God, and I know He is good, even when I’m not feeling good. I hope this encourages my readers to pray for the gifts God has given you when you’re going through trials of hardship.

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Th. 5: 16-18 NIV).

In Christ,

Angela Royse Pelleman

Last Post: Let Me Be a Firework to Get a Glimpse of You… (a July 4th poem of grief and hope)

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2/21/2023 Dave’s Testimony: Obituary… Dave is in Heaven with Jesus! (This post is also a mini sermon to encourage those facing chronic illness, pain, and grief. It contains answers to the hard questions I asked God while my husband was battling cancer, and after he died.)

FRUIT… a Poem… Dave’s First Father’s Day in Heaven (Dave’s Testimony 6/18/23)

How to Invite Jesus into Your Heart and Receive Eternal Life!

Strength Through Jesus Apparel (Supports children with cancer at St.Jude Hospital. Our family receives a small portion of each purchase, and 10 percent of every purchase supports children with cancer at St. Jude Research Hospital.