God gives the time; Jesus gives rest. Trusting in Him is the ultimate test. New Year’s lived out in the worse déjà vu; You couldn’t believe if this happened to you. His cancer is spreading, he’s been denied care, but miracle hospice is answer to prayer.

Hospice. It’s a dreaded word; yet it’s the only option available to bring Dave relief from his pain and suffering. Everyone else in the medical world has let us down… over and over again. Blue Ridge Hospice has been the opposite: fulfilling every need, answering all of our questions, checking in on Dave, and reminding us they are here for our whole family. Hospice is an appreciated addition to the outpouring love, encouragement, and support from our precious family, friends, and prayer warriors.

It’s been several days since Dave entered hospice care. He can enter and exit and re-enter, as he pleases. This eases my mind, because it gives us options. Right now, Dave is simply relieved; and that is the silver lining. He is finally getting some real care, by receiving pain relief to ease his suffering, so he can rest. “How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings” (Ps.36:7 NIV).

Our family is meeting the hospice team, while trying to process everything ourselves. We’re trying to enjoy time together when Dave is able, and still trying to live as “normally” as we possibly can. We’ve been living a nightmare for so long, and there are things I truly don’t understand. We could have three months or six. I want more time, but I don’t want my dear husband to suffer any longer. It’s been too much already.

I pray we can have the seven years I asked God for on a dark night, as I stood looking up at His sparkling stars. I prayed for God’s will; without pain and suffering for Dave. I believe it can happen, but I also know Dave is gravely ill. For those of us who love Dave, we can take comfort in the truth that he is not afraid of going home to be with Jesus. This gives me great peace, to know that my beloved husband looks forward to Heaven, where there is no more pain and suffering. He also knows that his loved ones who have received Jesus into their hearts, will eventually join him for all eternity. “I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings” (Ps. 61:4)

But it hurts so badly for those of us who love Dave, and will eventually be left behind. All I really know, is that however long Dave remains with us; I know we will see him again, because our forever home is in Heaven. I’m still praying for a miracle here on earth for Dave; but I also know he’s reached the end of the road as far as being able to deal with unbearable pain and endless suffering. He’s so very, very tired.

Please know that our mission on this difficult cancer journey, has been to bring as many people as possible with us to Heaven. Please don’t wait on accepting Jesus into your heart; it’s a simple prayer! Please let us know if you do; it would mean everything to Dave, and will mean more than you could imagine, when your time on earth is finished. “However, as it is written: ‘What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived’ — the things God has prepared for those who love him“ (1 Cor. 2:9) —

So much has recently happened; it’s impossible to share it all. I’ve decided to condense it all to give everyone an idea of what we’ve been going through over the last couple weeks:

The battle in the spirit world: I’ve been seeing spirits standing over Dave, praying them away, and watching the lights pushing the spirits away from us. This has become a nightly thing. My friend Lira, who is gifted in visions, recently shared that Dave needs rest. She’s seen him being rocked in a large cradle, as a young blue-eyed, blond haired boy, looks down on him. In the vision, the boy runs away to tell his friends that God is healing a man he’s been praying for…. Dave. Lira sees a pocket watch, and says Jesus tells her it means Dave needs time to heal. He needs rest. We have been trying so hard to get Dave the rest he so desperately needs.

Desperately seeking help, and not receiving it: Our son Jake takes Dave for yet another ER visit for severe pain. The wait is four hours. Dave can’t handle it, so they head to the cancer center where no one is able to help. The oncologist has admitted he doesn’t really know how to manage the medication Dave is currently taking; yet the oncologist is the one who prescribed it to Dave in the first place. In desperation, Dave and my son head to pain management. A kind soul says there’s nothing available that day, but she manages to pull some strings and get Dave scheduled for the following day…

I go with Dave to the pain clinic the next day. The nurse practitioner puts him on a plan which is supposed to be equal to the pain medicine he is currently taking. Instead, the new medications put Dave into withdrawal… along with more pain.

We go back in a couple days, and it’s even worse. The doctor coldly walks up to us and says to Dave, “We spoke with your oncologist. He says your pain has absolutely nothing to do with your cancer.” We are absolutely stunned. Dave still has cancer. He has been unable to get an appointment with oncology since before Christmas. The oncologist hasn’t even seen him in over two months. We’ve heard excuses from it being the holidays, to phone systems not working. However, our oncologist promised help would be available over the holidays. Our messages have obviously been received, because occasionally we receive a call back with useless information.

Dave is experiencing severe, widespread muscle pain, along with worsening pain in his abdomen. He can barely walk or eat. And later, we will find that it absolutely does have everything to do with his colon cancer and the cancer destroying his organs. We are completely shocked that a stage four terminal cancer patient is being treated like a drug addict. We are out of options. We call hospice.

Dreadful CT scan results: The CT scan results cause my own stomach to seize and pinch up into a tight ball. We get them before oncology calls us, and we don’t them to tell us that it’s bad news. The cancer has spread outside of Dave’s abdomen now. Small spots are on his liver, kidneys, and in his thorax; which explains the severe muscle pain in his chest and back. He also now has acsites; likely from the cancer attacking his liver. It’s mild, but I know that out of control ascites is dangerous enough to kill someone who doesn’t even have cancer. We don’t yet know that the oncologist has neglected to tell us the horrible reason for Dave’s most severe abdominal pain: a tumor has grown and is pushing on his bowels. I feel like throwing up, screaming, cussing, and crying all at once. I do none of these. I’m numb.

Praying powerfully together; seeing God still working: Dave prays for our family the night we get the scan information. My eyes are closed, and I see hundreds of black shadows fleeing, with orbs of light pushing them away. Bigger patches of light in shapes of jagged glass, stand firmly between the more stubborn black figures which try to remain. They can’t touch us, because we say the name, “Jesus.” As we’re falling asleep, I’m wondering if we’re meant to share what it means to not be afraid of death, and to show what a man close to God can experience during his last days on earth. Because; clearly, Jesus is protecting us, even now.

As incredible as it is to see God’s angels battling for us; I still feel sick. I really believe God can heal my husband. But Dave says he’s known the entire time, what was going to happen with his diagnosis. So far, he’s been right; yet what about the miracle healing? He says that the miracle was Christmas. He reminds me of my prayer request; that we’d be able to enjoy the holidays we so love to spend together. “That’s true,” I tell him. But my head is swirling: I think there is supposed to be more. But I also think of the day after Christmas, how everything went downhill; including my skull being slammed to the ground, resulting in a concussion. I know the enemy is trying to kill, steal and destroy my family: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (Jn. 10:10).

But I still believe God is so much greater, and much more powerful! I believe Jesus is The Great Physician. I know anything is possible with God, even if our faith is as small as a mustard seed. I know God can fully heal Dave, but is it part of His greater plan? Things will never be the same again without Dave; yet nothing has been anywhere near “normal” for a long time. I’m grieving… again. Falling asleep, I hold onto: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Rom. 8:28).

Entering hospice: They come in like soft-spoken angels. I didn’t want it to be hospice; yet we both feel peace about Dave’s care. The nurses are empathetic, admitting our story sounds like one of those horror movies where everything keeps going wrong. I say, yes, it has been a nightmare. They understand, and they care. Hospice realizes that cancer is absolutely, extremely painful! They go to work swiftly, with knowledge and compassion. They give Dave prescriptions to relieve his very real, traumatic pain. They give us phone numbers; which people actually answer; where nurses then move into action with doctors, to help hurting patients and their families. Hospice gives Dave rest, because he finally has the ability to sleep, instead of writhing in pain the entire night. It’s hard to believe we are here, but I’m thankful that there are real people here who can help us.

Blessings of compassion: Love and encouragement begins to flow. My two beautiful friends, Samantha and Suzette, come to the rescue again with a meal plan. The homemade food is our greatest need. I’m so thankful I could cry. Offers of help keep coming, and I know our friends mean it. I feel especially blessed by those unafraid to reach out, even if they don’t know what to say… because it’s all in love. We are hurting so badly, yet still incredibly blessed. We couldn’t do this without these precious souls pouring out Christ’s love!

Going forward: We have been praying and asking God to clearly reveal to both of us if we are to restart the Fen Ben (Fenbendazole) Dave was taking before the good scan. He’d stopped when he began to get sharp stomach pains (we will soon find out the Fen Ben wasn’t the reason for the pain). After five months, Dave wanted to stop. I had asked if we could at least pray about it first. Dave agreed, and one week later I heard a voice in my head clearly say, “You can stop the Fen Ben.” I asked God if that was Him talking to me, and He said, “Stop the Fen Ben, now.” Everything we’ve done on this cancer journey has been both of us on the same page, with God in the center. We’ve both prayed for God to send a “boulder” to make it obvious if we are supposed to start the fenbendazole again.

We will continue to trust in God and lean on strength through Jesus. We are thankful for prayers, rather than pity; and visits and messages, rather than silence. Please continue to pray for a miracle healing with us, according to God’s will, in Jesus’ name. We had the miracle of Dave’s cancer shrinking, so we could enjoy both Thanksgiving and Christmas. It wasn’t easy for Dave, but we will always treasure those times with family, extended family, and dear friends. As Dave said in the beginning: “There will be miracles… lots of miracles.” And there have been. Just recently he said to me, “Miracles will happen either way.” I believe him. “Many, LORD my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare” (Ps. 40:5).

Feb. 2, 2022 Note: This post was started two weeks ago, but I’ve only just been able to complete it. Our family is exhausted, grieving, and coping the best we can with amazing support from family, friends, community, and our brothers and sisters in Christ. Much more has happened since this post: visions and dreams, medical information we never received but should have, a procedure for acsites, restarting Fen Ben, and how God is taking care of our family through compassionate people, and strength through Jesus.

I will write more about these in our next update, and will continue updating, as soon as possible. Dave has been under hospice care for two weeks. Our family is going through a very difficult time, so we treasure your prayers. Thank you for the texts, meals, cards, love, encouragement, prayers; and for continuing to hope and pray for a miracle healing for Dave; no matter what the circumstances look like. If you are messaging me, please continue to do so. Know that I truly want to respond, and will, as soon as I’m able. You are loved!

Related:

Last Post: 1/5/23 New Year 2023 ~ Fighting an Octopus… Pain, Suffering, & Promises

All of our 2022 links, in order: Dave’s Testimony 2022: Our Entire Year of Terminal Cancer, Strength Through Jesus, and Trusting in God’s Healing Miracles… A Mini Book

How to Invite Jesus into Your Heart and Receive Eternal Life!

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