Oh God, my God,

here comes my enemy again.

Make it go away.

I know it’s coming when

at night, I become cold, needing

three blankets to get warm.

Cold chills creep up and down

my shivering body.

Black shadows come.

I sleep that way, knowing what the

morning will bring:

Fear. 

Relentless and cruel.

I will awake, and before a thought

fills my head, my heart is already

pounding, my arms will burn with fire.

My stomach is a knot of anxiety,

a clenched fist.

I will shake like a leaf, 

I will shake, and shake.

My teeth will chatter.

The frightening thoughts will 

fill my head.

My legs will weaken, and the tears

will come, and I will cry a river,

and I’ll feel like I’m alone.

And as I held myself tight,

I couldn’t stop myself from shaking,

I sang through my never-ending tears,

“Jesus loves me this I know, 

for the bible tells me so…”

And I cried out for you to tell me

that it was true, so I’d believe.

For I am still your little one,

and to you I still belong.

Oh God, I am so weak.

I praise you, because you are strong.

You are stronger than anything

that causes my fear.

Please God, show me your strength.

Oh God, please lend me your strength.

Make me strong, because of you.

Heal me, Lord.

Come quickly, Jesus.

You have brought me out of the

valley of the shadow of death.

But I am still afraid.

Please comfort me.

Hold me in your arms.

Surround me with your

Army of angels.

May they do battle for me, when I am too weak.

I can’t do it alone.

I’m fatigued beyond belief.

But when I feel your strength, let me use it in a mighty way.

Let me face my giants and slay them,

With your hand holding mine,

And guiding me all the way.

Show me how to defeat my enemies.

May I do it unafraid.

God, how I love you.

I praise you for never leaving me.

Let me feel you near, 

And let me feel your love today.

I need your strength and power.

I need your love to lift me up.

Lift me up in your arms.

When I am weak,

You are strong.

And I will keep loving you,

And tell the world about your love.

Even through my suffering,

And because of my faith,

My greatest enemy will lose strength.

My enemy will lose more strength every day.

And I will then have victory.

I will have victory through you, God.

I will have victory through Jesus.

~ Angela Royse Pelleman©️ 2012

Author’s Note:

Two years ago, today; I lost my husband to rare, unrelenting, fast-moving colon cancer. It showed up out of nowhere. For an entire year, I cared for him; with love, frustration, anxiety, fear, questions, learning to trust God more than ever; and leaning on Strength Through Jesus (my husband David’s favorite saying). David was a light for Jesus especially during his last days on earth, in which he joyfully lead three loved ones to Jesus Christ.

I wanted to write something today to honor Dave’s Testimony and his memory. But honestly, it’s been a year of Hell. It’s actually been three years of Hell. Though I trusted God throughout my husband’s entire battle with cancer, I’m still having to learn to trust God again. So much has happened since we lost Dave; it would be hard to believe our family isn’t under some kind of curse.

I simply don’t have the energy to write about what our family has endured; except to say we’ve had freak accidents in our home; including carbon monoxide poisoning and a small fire. We’ve endured betrayal by people who should have been there to love and support us. Panic, anxiety, depression; and other evil spirits have hovered around trying to bring us down and destroy us. We’ve dealt with theft, criminal behavior, fraud, health challenges, and much more.

I’m living with so much stress and exhaustion; I often feel like a zombie, or a robot: going from task to task trying to undo damages and disaster, and to save our family; when I really just want to sleep for three days in a row.

So… I chose to share GIANTS; which is a Psalm I originally wrote in 2012 when I first began writing The Silver Lining. I can’t find GIANTS anywhere on my blog; and it seems right for this time. In 2012, I was experiencing panic attacks due to childhood trauma. I learned that writing about my experiences became a source of comfort and healing for me as I prayed and called out to God.

Jesus helped me to overcome the severe panic. He healed me so much, that I didn’t even recognize that I’d recently been experiencing “mini-panic attacks” with milder symptoms, along with silent panic attacks that happen while I sleep.

My husband took care of us even after his death. But due to circumstances beyond my control; life has become a nightmare almost every day. I haven’t been able to write or reach out to everyone who sent messages of love and encouragement… and it’s been two years! I barely get to see friends, because I’m dealing with disaster after disaster, and most days I feel I can’t breathe. I’m exhausted, but I lie awake with insomnia… because now I’m in charge of it ALL!

The Silver Lining is that God IS in control and He IS there even when I wonder where He is. And He IS showing Himself to be faithful: caring for us in the chaos, coming to the rescue, and lighting my path so I know which disaster or important task to take care of first. He’s kept us safe and alive. He’s given me the most precious friends who never give up on us, neighbors to plow our driveway, doctors who listen, bosses who understand, and even times to rest and relax and enjoy each other’s company as a family.

I’ve found that when everything is awful, it really DOES make a difference to spend time reading even just a short bit of scripture while writing out my fears, questions, and prayer requests to God. I love God, and I love Jesus, and I know the enemy wants to kill, steal, and destroy my family because we belong to The Lord God above. And I’m not going to turn away from The One who saved me. It hurts down here, but one day I’ll join my husband is Heaven for eternal joy, and my children will be there too.

So though I’m hanging by a thread; I’m sharing GIANTS with you, because it feels right. King David slayed his giant, Goliath, with only a stone and a slingshot. David Pelleman slayed his cancer by leaning on Strength Through Jesus, and entering The Kingdom of Heaven where death no longer has victory. I’m slaying the wounds of this world by placing my trust in God, even when nothing makes sense. I hope this gives you some encouragement to slay your giants today!

Related:

Dave’s Testimony 2022: Our Entire Year of Terminal Cancer, Strength Through Jesus, and Trusting in God’s Healing Miracles… A Mini Book

Happy Birthday, Beautifully Broken Baby! 15 Encouraging Bible Verses for Suffering Christian Believers

DEEP…a Psalm of Rescue…Hope for Depression

How to Invite Jesus into Your Heart and Receive Eternal Life!