Hi Honey, it’s been almost three years since you’ve been gone. Happy Birthday! I know your celebration today will be Heavenly!
Today you’d be turning the same age I was when you left the earth. It’s so strange, as I grow older here; you’ll remain the same age in my memories.
For myself, I wish you were here… but I’d never wish you to come back to the pain and suffering you had to endure to fulfill your godly purpose. I love you too much! When I’m feeling sad, I think of how happy you are up there in the clouds with Jesus; and peace washes over me.
I know you’ll be making everyone laugh out loud the way you always did while celebrating your special day. I know your strawberry rhubarb pie will be huge! It will be baked to perfection, and filled with the freshest fruit we could never experience here in our fallen world.
Since you’ve been gone; it’s been really, really rough. It’s worse than people could even realize when they ask how I’m doing. I always just say, “Hanging in there.” The truth is I’m barely holding on to a tattered thread by one fingernail.
Even those who know me best can’t understand both what our family has endured, and the aftermath. No one can be faulted for that; it’s just something nobody could grasp unless they’ve lived it.
Honestly, what keeps me going is knowing we’ll all end up where you are; because of Jesus. Thank God for eternal life; I truly can’t wait!
To list everything that has gone wrong would take days, weeks, or maybe months. I don’t want to do that on your birthday!
Instead, I want to tell you that since you’ve been gone, I’ve learned so much, and I’ve grown even closer to God. I never understood the phrase: “God is your husband now.” I didn’t like hearing it. But now I get it. Anything serious that I’d normally go to you about, I now take to God. I have found that even in my own pain, suffering, and distress; God really is listening and giving me great advice! It’s just like He did for us when we prayed together, but it’s just God and me.
Sometimes when I feel abandoned, I just go ahead and tell Him. When things are falling apart (which is always) I find that God gives me a sign or a gift. He sends a beautiful human to encourage me, a divine intervention, or even a miracle; in order to rescue me and give me hope again.
It’s been almost three years but it doesn’t seem like it. People are kind and say they hope we are doing well, but how can we be doing well with a huge hole of loss right smack dab in the middle of our family’s road?
Some days it seems time has passed, but most days it feels everything just happened. All I know is we are always and forever just trying to cope, and that I’m almost always stressed, sick, and completely exhausted. It’s not just me; it’s all of us. Losing you has changed each of us in ways I never imagined. But I’m taking it one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, and others one minute at a time. Most days, Jesus just has to carry me the whole way through and gently place me into bed.
“Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you” (Isa. 46:4 NIV)
You’d be so proud of me though, for all the things I can do now, that I never imagined I’d be able to do by myself. There are things I’ve learned to take care of, and when I can’t, I’ve learned who I can count on and who to call. I’ve educated myself further on matters you would have taken into your own hands. I’d rather have you here, but I know you’d be smiling at me, saying, “Wow, Ang!” Great job!”
“Ang…” How I miss hearing you call out my name; the name only a few people in the world call me which I love so much. The name that means love, history, and “I know you better than most people do.”
People say the first thing you forget is your loved one’s voice. But I can hear you calling my name: “Ang! Let’s go! Ang! Do you know where my new tee shirt is? Ang! Can you come here?” I miss your beautiful voice, your loud obnoxious laugh; especially when you would laugh so hard you’d do that whooping hooting thing. Then you would gasp for breath, and do it all over again with tears rolling down your face. I miss it, especially if I’m the one who has made you laugh like that.
I miss you reaching for my hand after an argument. It was always you reaching over first, no matter whose fault it was. You knew about the deep hurt and pain I’ve always carried with me since childhood.
Though I do believe people need time to cool off after being angry; and we can’t always fix things fast; I did always love that you wanted to make up right away. I miss your large warm hand in mine. It felt safe and protective, and it said, “We are a couple.”
I’ll never be the same again. I’ve lost half of myself. I try to be me, and I want to be me: creative, chatting with friends, returning messages, working on my books, painting, and traveling. I’m trying to get there; and there are moments when I do.
But life isn’t fair. Life is hard. Life is cruel. It steals away time with distractions and important things which need to be done, because of the consequences, or simply because we care. Sometimes people get in our way and make things worse, or things just break and fall apart. Appointments need to be kept, and I have a lot of those. Sometimes it’s our schedules. Other times it’s the law, so it’s something we have to take care of before the deadline. Life doesn’t care about disability, grief, or our problems. But God does.
I’m letting God be the driver and taking Jesus as my passenger, asking Them to be in the middle of everything; all of it. I’m praying to not miss the correct exit, so I don’t get stuck on the wrong road.
I finally realized I can’t be me, because I don’t have the energy or strength or time anymore. But… I realized the only way I can be me again, is to fully rely on strength through Jesus, just like you and I did when you were so sick with the evil cancer that stole you from us too soon.
I found out who cares and who doesn’t, which is a blessing because my time is limited and I know who to spend it with when I have it. I know who God sent just for that time we needed help which is fine and good, but I also know who was showing up just for themselves and later let us down or disappeared. I know who should have been there for all of us and wasn’t, and that helps me too.
People are interesting. Everyone has their own lives and most only care about themselves. But there are also some valuable treasures: beautiful brothers and sisters in Christ who are always there; even when I can’t get back to them in a timely manner. There have also been some wonderful strangers along the way who have been such a gift. Perhaps some of them were angels! I’m glad we took the time to just talk to each other.
“Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it” (Heb 13:12 NIV)
I pray all throughout the day; but I’m really making sure I read a short devotion in the morning, so I have a Bible verse in my head. Then I write in my prayer journal to God, anything and everything I want to talk about: fears, stressors, schedules, my own failing health, our children, friendships, dreams, hopes, and especially for joy along this most difficult, immensely stressful, almost impossible trial in this difficult journey of life.
I found that by doing this each day; I’m better able to prioritize, gather my thoughts, and do what needs to be done for just that day. Im also better able to let go of what I thought couldn’t wait until later, but surprisingly can with God at the wheel.
I’ve realized that my deep anger at having watched you suffer and then die in my arms; has gotten in the way of me praising God and giving Him more of the gratitude He absolutely deserves. I have to put my trust in the Bible when it says,
“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us” (Rom. 8:18 ESV).
This is comforting to me when I’m in a dark place dwelling on lost dreams and a disappearing future I imagined for our family.
I struggle with what everything looks like now; which is pretty dim, but if I put God in my headspace instead; things may not always vastly improve, but I feel better so my outlook improves. This is when things slowly start to get better a tiny bit at a time.
Remember how mad I got when you called me “Negative Nancy?” You always called me that when I was being pessimistic about life in general. Most people say I’m “strong… so positive… handling things so well… care about others when dealing with so much…” I am those things, but it’s only because of Jesus living in me.
They don’t see the darkness I deal with; where I talk negatively, have a sailor mouth, or go into the depths of depression. But those who know me well, do know those things. You knew me most of all; the many parts of me. I’m so thankful that God does too… and that he can take the bad and make good of it. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Rom. 8:28 NIV).
This morning I felt like I should wear one of your tee shirts. But I do wear your tee shirts all the time, especially the Strength Through Jesus ones. I don’t have the store running right now; it was too much for me to handle. But I have some ideas about it; I’ll just need God to guide me in the right direction. If it’s His will, it will happen, because as our verse says, “For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength” (Phil. 4:13 NLT).
I decided to just wear something cozy that is me, but something you especially know I am fond of: I’m wearing my Snoopy shirt. It’s a newer favorite, because, well of course… it’s Snoopy! But it also says, “Please don’t make me do stuff!” And I know you would’ve said, “You look cute,” when you saw me in it. That’s what I needed today to feel good in my skin.
I was wondering how I’d celebrate your birthday today. Our whole family is actually going to celebrate this coming week, when everyone is able to meet up for a movie and a restaurant you would love.
Even though our birthday plans are soon, I wanted to celebrate you today, and felt sad; like something was missing besides you.
The silver lining is that in writing this letter to you, I realized this is what I needed; to give you a gift. After all, giving gifts is one of my love languages. So, Happy Birthday, Honey (another name I miss coming from your lips)! My love letter to you is my gift, and it feels just right. I’ve enjoyed spending time with you; just the two of us. I hope by sharing it; I can encourage others who may be struggling in life, especially with grief.
I know you’d feel the same way. It’s like when I asked you if I should write about your cancer journey when you first got sick. I treaded lightly, because I wanted to respect your privacy. But just as I’d felt a nudge from the Holy Spirit, you were on board for the ride. Together we wrote Dave’s Testimony. You said, “Tell it. Tell it all. Share it with everyone. If it helps people to know Jesus; do it.”
So I continue to write about grief, and hope to write about other topics as I’ve done before. I always only write when The Holy Spirit nudges.
I love you, dear Dave, my precious husband. I am so thankful you took care of us on earth and planned for us to be taken care of if God took you home before me. It is a true blessing. I can’t wait to see you again in Heaven! Thank you, Jesus for dying for our sins, so we can receive this eternal gift. Thank You God, for giving us Jesus who sacrificed his life for our sins. He is The One and Only ticket to Heaven; and I’m so thankful that this life isn’t all we have, and that we can look forward to an amazing life up in Heaven forever!
Prayer:
Dear God, please drive my car and show me where to go, when to move ahead, and when to slow down or stop. Jesus please ride along with me as my holy passenger, so I know I’m not alone. Take away my anxieties and fears. Replace those with hope, faith, joy, and peace. May I place my trust in The Holy Spirit for directions, so I don’t get lost. Please send guardian angels to protect me as I travel this unfamiliar dirt road in the dark. Be my brights, so I can see ahead with wisdom and discernment. Bless my children with this same prayer, along with my brothers and sisters in Christ; as we all travel the many different roads off of the same highways. May the lost, who run out of gas far away from home; find You through divine intervention, and receive eternal life in Heaven. Please give us safe travels, in Jesus’ name.
Much love,
Angela Royse Pelleman
Related:
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The Silver Lining 