Dearest Dave,

Yesterday morning, after only one hour of sleep, the dogs woke me up to go outside. There was a gorgeous red sky, and I wanted to appreciate it. But, I was already seeing red; because I just couldn’t sleep last night… not at all.

I heard trains all night long… the sound we always loved listening to through open windows while praying with our children. But now the trains hurt my ears. They remind me of when you died, in the middle of the night, exactly one year ago.

Only a few people know the details. It hurts too much to talk about it, and I’ve wanted to respect your privacy involving your last moments on earth. What I can share, is that when you got out of bed that night, and stood up after not being able to get out of bed for two weeks; you scared me.

I didn’t realize what I know now, that your spirit was trying to leave your body. Your body tried to go up to Heaven too, and of course it can’t. And what followed was the most frightening thing I’ve ever heard. It was the sound of a train… but it was in our house… and it was coming from inside of you. 

It’s not your fault; I’ve learned now that it happens. But I was very afraid. I yelled for our two sons, and the trauma of everything that followed still sits with us today. It’s going to be a long, slow healing. I saw you die, my precious Dave. All three of us did. We’ve been shellshocked for a year.

The silver lining is that I got to kiss you and tell you, “I love you, Dave!” And when I didn’t know what else to do, because we’d done everything we could, I yelled out, “JESUS!” He immediately came to save you from your suffering, Dave… Jesus came to get you at that very moment! You let out your last breath, and you found yourself in the arms of Jesus. It was what you wanted; as painful as the memories are, I know I also witnessed you going to your eternal home.

And this is why, of all the groggy mornings, something else bright red, caught my eye through the kitchen window. It was a cardinal! He was magnificent, just sitting there on the fence post, perfectly within my line of sight. DAVE!

I smiled, and thanked God for the gift of a cardinal, especially when today is the one year anniversary of your death on earth, but your eternal life in Heaven. I know God sent that cardinal to me, just as He has before; when I’m talking about you, or thinking of you, or crying over you. But that’s not all…

A female cardinal joined him. And then some smaller birds flit around them. I peered closer at them, and realized that they were cardinals too. There were two of them, wait.…was that three? Could it really be true? I tried to count the birds, but they were flittering around so fast!

Suddenly, the female dove into the nearby hydrangea bush. It’s the one you and I planted, which has grown the largest; offering up huge, white luscious blooms every summer. The two smaller cardinals suddenly joined the mama cardinal. Is there a third? There has to be a third! Suddenly, a tiny third cardinal flew into the bushes, a little girl, joining her brothers and mama. Where’s the dad?

The magnificent male cardinal did not join his family in the bush. Instead, he stood proud and tall, watching over his family in the hydrangea bush. He watched from above, making sure they were all together and safe. 

You’re my cardinal, Dave; our cardinal. Before you went to Heaven, you made sure we were all together and safe. You planned for our financial future, you fed and clothed us, and you gave us attention and love. You told us to look out for each other, that we’d be okay. Most of all, you shared your inspirational Strength Through Jesus motto with all of us; which gives us true security that we will be together, safe, and loved throughout all eternity. You lived and loved Jesus. I’m so proud of you; you’re just like that cardinal proudly watching over his family yesterday morning.

Today, Wednesday, February 21st, will be one year since we said goodbye to you until we meet again in Heaven. That was the most painful, traumatic day of our lives. We’re so thankful for the family and friends who helped pull through, and for those who continue to lift our spirits. Some very brave, very compassionate friends showed up at our house that day, and I’ll never forget their bold, unfaltering, godly love.

On this day, we are going to celebrate you, Dave. We’re planning a day to enjoy some things that you always enjoyed with us, and we always enjoyed with you. I think it will bring, I know it will bring, comfort and joy in our sorrow and grief. We’ll be together in the hydrangea bush, as you watch and wait for us from the wooden fence post, just the way God watches over us all.

God bless all of us who have loved and lost, in Jesus’ name. I love you, Dave! ~ Angela Royse Pelleman

Last Posts:

2023/12/25 Merry Christmas to My Husband in Heaven (a poem)

11/29/23 Happy Birthday to My Husband in Heaven… Grieving During Thanksgiving Time Without You

Related: 

Dave’s Testimony 2022: Our Entire Year of Terminal Cancer, Strength Through Jesus, and Trusting in God’s Healing Miracles… A Mini Book

Posts and Poetry about Grief

Upcoming posts, as I continue to heal, rest, and write again:

Doggy Valentine’s Day Miracle… Hope During Grief

Buddy’s Bouquet: a poem of remembrance for a friend

What I Wish People Knew Now That My Husband is Dead and Gone

10 Ways to REALLY Support a Grieving Family